how to keep regret from ruining your life
Most of us have things we regret.
Some regrets are simple.
“I should have ordered the chicken instead of the fish.”
“I shouldn’t have bought those shoes.”
“I wish I’d watched a different movie.”
Other regrets are more complicated.
“I should have studied harder.”
“I wish I’d finished school.”
“I shouldn’t have lost my temper.”
And other regrets are potentially heartbreaking.
“I should have spent more time with my kids.”
“I should have apologized.”
“I should have said ‘I love you’ more.”
How to keep regret from ruining your life
According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of regret is: to mourn the loss or death of, to miss very much, or to be very sorry for.
It’s hard to imagine that any sane person wouldn’t have at least some regrets!
And yet in our hyper-connected, social media-saturated world, we’re constantly bombarded with messages that tell us to “Live with no regrets!” and “Seize the moment!” and “Carpe Diem!”. Combined with filtered photos of flawless faces and bodies and it can be, well, nearly impossible not to feel at least some regret.
Regret can take us down.
Regret can morph into guilt and this guilt left unchallenged can spiral into shame. If we get stuck in this shame spiral it can feel like we’ll be forever stuck in the past. We might worry that we’ll never be able to claw our way out and end up in the present moment.
If we’re not careful, regret can keep us stuck in the past and unable to foresee a future full of possibilities.
But what if we could use regret to our benefit? What if we could reframe what we’re telling ourselves about our regrets and move forward with clarity and purpose?
What can your regret teach you?
I’m going to lead you through a simple 3-step process to help with your regret.
Recognize - Reframe - Reconsider
RECOGNIZE
First, think of a specific regret you have. Now, answer the following questions:
What is the circumstance surrounding your regret?
When and where did this circumstance take place?
Many times we experience regret over a circumstance that happened when we were younger or less knowledgeable than we currently are. Sometimes it’s regret over the way we handled something when we were exhausted, ill-equipped, or caught off guard.
As we learn more and become wiser, we recognize that we can make better decisions and live in line with our values.
We know better, we do better.
Can you extend some compassion to your former self? The version of you that did the best you could or made a mistake isn’t a complete picture of who you really are.
Recognizing the circumstances surrounding our regret is an important first step.
REFRAME
Next, answer these questions:
What are you telling yourself about this regret?
Are you willing to come up with a different story?
Let’s use an example. If you had a huge fight with a friend that led to a falling out, you might feel regret that causes you to think, “I’m a horrible person. I lost my patience, couldn’t admit that I was wrong, and I lost a friendship. I’m a terrible friend and I don’t deserve to have good friends in my life.”
This is a disempowering view rooted in having a fixed mindset. It leaves no room for forgiveness, compassion, or growth.
Let’s try and reframe this. What if you could shift your perspective and begin to think, “I lost my patience and couldn’t admit that I was wrong but I’ve learned from this mistake. I continue to develop my patience and interpersonal skills. I’m committed to admitting when I’ve made a mistake and to prioritize being a good friend. I am a work in progress and I’m growing.”
This is an empowering view rooted in having a growth mindset. It acknowledges the regret but extends forgiveness, compassion, and possibility.
Is reframing always easy? Of course not!
Does reframing eliminate all of the regret you feel? Probably not, at least not right away.
Does reframing empower you to learn from your regret, move forward with intention, and develop improved skills? 100%!
Reframing what we tell ourselves about our regret is a powerful tool.
RECONSIDER
Now, consider the following:
How has this regret been holding you back in your life?
What have you learned and how have you changed from this regret?
How would reframing this regret empower you as you move forward?
Sometimes we get so attached to the stories we tell ourselves that we can’t even consider a different narrative. But once you’ve recognized and reframed your regret, are you willing to reconsider how to move forward?
What would happen if you forgave your past self for the circumstances surrounding your regret?
What if you could take the valuable lessons you learned and carry that wisdom with you into the future?
What if you chose to reconsider how you relate to your regret?
Despite what we see on social media and the messages we’re frequently bombarded with that shout “No regrets!”, having regrets is a normal part of being human. It’s what we do with our regret that helps shape and define who we are.
When we can recognize our regret, reframe it with intention, and reconsider how we want to relate to regret and move forward, we can live with authenticity, clarity, and purpose.
Interested in coaching support as you recognize, reframe, and reconsider your regret? Let’s connect for a complimentary 20-minute consultation and see if coaching is right for you. There’s never any pressure or obligation, just a great way for us to connect!
Click here to schedule your coaching consultation call today!